Energy for Ever- By Joe

“Observing your thoughts?” I ask.

“Yeah”, Kristin says, “but what else?”

“Umm…the pond is supposed to be a clear surface, but my thoughts are the rocks that make the surface blurry”.

“Distorted”, Kristin says.

“Good word. Distorted. Distortion happens all the time, but if I am more aware of my thoughts, I can calm the surface of the pond”.

“Sure, and you can see what type of rocks you are throwing, and then try to stop throwing them”.

“Okay” I say, “that makes sense, but to what end? I mean, I am trying to watch my thinking and observe the types of thoughts that I am having, but for what reason? What’s the end result?”

“End result?”

“Yeah, I mean I go to work to get paid, I split firewood so we stay warm, I do what you say so I don’t get in trouble. End result. What is the point of constantly observing my thinking? What does this get me?”

Kristin smiles and says, “endless energy”.

“What? Like drinking too much coffee energy? Endless energy? I don’t understand”. 

“How do you feel when you wake up on your birthday?”

“Older” I say. 

“Don’t get crabby”.

“I am not crabby”.

“Yes, you are because you don’t understand something and so you are closing yourself”.

“Closing myself? Nope, I’m open for business”.

“No you aren’t. Whenever you, Joseph Bentel, don’t understand something you close yourself. It’s a result of an impression you have made upon yourself. It’s like a conditioned response”.

“How can I be closed if I am still having this conversation with you?”

“We are speaking in metaphorical terms, and by closing yourself you are going to block your energy flow”.

“Wait, what? I have plenty of energy right now. I went to work, I went to ski practice, I bathed Leo, read him a book, I feel great”.

“Look”, Kristin replies, “You’re tired and crabby and that’s why you are being stubborn”.

“I’m stubborn?” I say as my chest begins to tighten.

“Typical Bentel behavior, you just want to argue” she says.

I angrily stare out the window at the snow-covered greenhouse.

We sit on the bed for a while in silence listening to the fireplace pop and crackle in the living room.

“Are you still mad?” Kristin asks.

“I never was”, I lie. 

“Okay, I’ll explain it in a different way. Let’s use what just happened. We were having a talk, and suddenly it turned into a tense situation. Why?”

“I don’t know”, I grumble.

“It’s because you closed yourself. You experienced a recurring thought that triggered a conditioned response.”

“What thought? How can you tell what I am thinking about?”

“I don’t have to guess, I know you Joe, and when you think you don’t understand something, you shut down, you close yourself. And this result will decrease energy, dampen your spirit”.

“You are going to have to be more specific”.

“Ok”, Kristin says, “Remember in New Zealand when you got mad because the shower water was cold at the RV park? You threw a fit and all the other campers heard you, and I am still embarrassed about that”.

“That’s not how it happened”, I say. 

“Yes, it is. You couldn’t understand why your shower was cold, not hot, and your conditioned response was to close yourself, throw a tantrum, and dampen everyone’s spirits”.

“What does this have to do with endless energy?” I ask.

“Why dampen your spirit? I mean, why choose to allow a thought, or a way of thinking to reduce your zeal for life, to deplete your energy?”

“Go on”.

“We all have impressions from past experiences. Certain thoughts or situations can trigger these impressions. Like when a scent reminds us of someone we knew long ago. Maybe that someone made a good impression on you, maybe they didn’t.”

“I know what you’re thinking, and just so you know, you were my first and only girlfriend”.

“Stop Joe. I am being serious. It doesn’t have to be a scent, it could be a certain type of car, or a particular day of the week, or even the color of a building. Anything that causes a person to think in a conditioned way”.

“But sometimes my conditioned way of thinking is good, not bad” I say. 

“Exactly”, Kristin replies, “when that is the case, you stay open, and don’t close yourself. How do you feel when you see Leo in the morning and he smiles at you?”

“It melts my heart”.

“Me too. Why?”

“I don’t know, who doesn’t like seeing a baby smile at them?”

“Let me rephrase that question. When you think about Leo smiling at you, how does it make you feel?”

“There’s like an excited bundle of butterflies in my chest. I feel good”.

“Yes. That’s because seeing Leo smile triggers the type of thought that keeps you open, keeps your heart open, and you are feeling energy flowing, that’s what the excited butterflies are, they are your spirit soaring”.

“Okay, I think I’m starting to see. By tracking my thoughts, I can identify the ones that cause me to close up, shut my heart, get upset. This reaction is reducing my energy levels. Something like that?”

“Not reducing your energy, stopping the flow of energy”, Kristin says. 

“So how do I stay open and keep the butterflies buzzing?” I ask. 

“Simple. Never close. Never shut yourself. Just like we are conditioned to do one thing, we can recondition ourselves to do another thing”.

“How do I know if I am closing myself, or blocking my energy flow?”

“You can feel it in your chest, it tightens, your anxiety elevates. Like what happened a couple of minutes ago when you got crabby”.

“Okay I’ll admit it, I did feel like a crab was pinching my chest. I must have been closing my heart”. 

“It happens to all of us. We all have thoughts that close us. Sometimes it’s because we don’t understand something, sometimes it’s because we are insecure about meeting someone new, sometimes it’s a conditioned response linked to a past experience”.

“What about you?” I ask. “When do you close yourself?”

“On Sundays”.

“What’s wrong with Sunday? It’s the second day of the weekend, we get to sleep in if we want, and use the sauna”.

“Well, those things have helped, and now that I don’t work on Mondays, I have started to change my thoughts about Sunday. I guess it was the day before school, the day before work, the day we would drive back to Dayton from Lake Tahoe”.

“So you had a negative thought associated with Sundays, you closed your heart and cut your flow of energy. I got it”.

“Yeah, but recognizing the thought is just the first step. Now I have to work each week to recondition myself and stay open on Sunday”.

“Open on Sunday! That’s a good name for a band”.

“Not really.” Kristin smiles. 

“Did you just hear him?” I ask.

“No”.

“Whaaaaaa!” Leo cries.

“There he goes”, I say.

“I can’t even make it through a conversation, a yoga class with Ashley Galvin, or a meal without Leo interrupting”, Kristin says.

“Wait, are you closing your heart right now?”

“No Joe, I’m just tired”.

“You mean ‘tired’ as in you are a little short on energy. Or maybe your ‘spirit is not soaring’ tired?”

“I can’t hear you anymore”, Kristin says. 

“Are you going to write a blog about this?”

“Are you going to go and get Leo?”

“Of course”, I announce with a smile, “Everytime I hear Leo cry, I get filled with a tremendous amount of energy, spirit, vitality, vigor, passion, vibrancy. I must have conditioned myself to think that way”.

Kristin looks at me for an extended second and says, “I wish I had married someone who was funny”.