Over the past few weeks, I have noticed my hard shell begin to pile back on. I don’t think this extra weight had anything to do with the -20 below temperatures outside. Instead, these hardened layers served as a protective inner shield against perceivable outside forces that I fear or worry could hurt me. The buzzing sensation in my chest and sluggish demeanor were not the result of turning another year older. Instead, these qualities of anxiety and overwhelm served as a reminder that I needed to take a step back and observe the inner workings of my mind.
I asked myself what I most feared and discovered the things I hid from did not live outside of me. I feared my feelings of disappointment, judgment, shame, embarrassment, and lack. These feelings could only result based on my thoughts, interpretations, and stories- all of which are up to me to write. My hurt stemmed from observing my husband experience his pain and my longing for him to feel differently. The piercing sensations in my chest connected me to my thoughts of not being good enough. These were painful to look at and required courage to sit with.
We all are under so much pressure but often fail to realize these layers of heaviness are self-created. We try to fulfill the impossible role of making everyone happy, which results in layers of stress and resentment. We pile on heavier layers of shame and burnout in our attempts to achieve an unachievable level of perfection. Our bodies grow heavier with judgment and anger with our unrealistic endeavors to convince everyone to see things our way. Then, even more layers of frustration, exhaustion, anxiety, and restlessness pile onto our bodies as we attempt to control an uncontrollable world.
We forget these layers are optional. We can shed them from our overheated hearts at any time and discover a sense of lightness and calm that was there all along. We can release our fears and hurts and replace them with the weightlessness of compassion for ourselves and our efforts. How wonderful to wake up with a body that allows us to experience life. How courageous we are to give life our best efforts without any precise manual to guide us. It is astounding that we keep going despite outside challenges and obstacles. How remarkable that we do our best to fulfill all the responsibilities, roles, and relationships we uphold. The pressures of being human can be heavy, yet here we are doing it. We should be proud of ourselves.
We can put our fears and pain to rest and release ourselves from the unnecessary task of doing or being more. We do not need to burden ourselves with undoing the past or controlling the future. We likely will fail every time. Instead, let us rediscover the lightness of life and the parts that make us alive- simple things like waking up in a warm bed, the smell of a wood stove burning, or the sound of our toddler playing make-believe. Let us focus on loving ourselves for doing the best we can. Let us remove our heavy protective shields and allow the buoyancy of compassion and love to carry us and lift our spirits higher. Let us make space in our hearts to allow room for the warmth of human connection and infinite sources of joy that surround us.
We’ve got this.
