According to yoga teacher Rod Stryker, the most challenging part of a yoga practice is the same for everyone. You may be surprised that it has nothing to do with the 840,000 physical postures that exist. Instead, it involves the mental challenges that arise when undergoing the process of change.
When we are presented with new circumstances, the mind’s first reaction is to see it as a threat. This is because the primary function of the mind is to keep us safe. Anything new in our life can create a low level of anxiety before it can feel safe because the mind has not figured it out yet. The purpose of a yoga practice is to calm this reactive part of our mind down so we can continue to grow and evolve into the next version of ourselves.
It's All A Practice
Someone once told me that pregnancy is 10% physical and 90% mental. This ratio must be one thing that yoga and pregnancy have in common.
The decision to bring a new life into the world forced me to look at how my mind reacted to the changes associated with pregnancy- especially when things didn’t go according to plan. For nine life-altering months, my mind tried to figure out this new stage of life. Then just when I thought I had it all figured out, everything changed. Before I knew it, I was left with a tiny human to care for AND something entirely new for my mind to evaluate.
What most people fail to realize, myself included, is that pregnancy is just the warm-up, and parenthood is when the real practice of yoga begins.
And So It Begins...
The day my life changed was the morning of November 12th, 2020. We were entering the darkest part of winter. I took two pregnancy tests since I doubted the accuracy of the first one. “Oh S*&%*! I yelled to my husband when I saw the double blue lines. “It worked.”
This day was also the day the Alaska Govoner “urged Alaskans to take immediate action to combat the COVID-19 virus” due to the escalating case numbers. Although I claimed that the virus did not scare me, on this particular day it did. My priorities changed the instant I saw those double blue lines. They meant I was now responsible for a life other than my own.
I told most of my coworkers the news that day. They asked me if I had seen the governor’s statement and wanted to know what I thought. “I’m pregnant.” was my reply. ” I don’t know much about anything right now.” It was not the most celebratory way to deliver the news to them, but also fitting considering we were all slightly confused about the world that day.
We Are NOT Calling Him Spike
One thing I knew was I wanted a boy. I was every parent’s worst nightmare as a teenage girl. I hoped karma would spare me from having to raise an adolescent version of myself. I screamed with excitement and relief when the nurse called and told me the gender. What made it even more exciting was that my older sister was having a boy around the same time. My Dad was thrilled when we told him the news. After over 30-years of waiting, he finally got his boys.
Joe and I picked his name, Leo James Bentel, that evening. I wasn’t a fan of Joe’s top picks- Spike & Double Black Diamond. We decided on Leo because it was the first name we both agreed on. James was my Grandpa Clyde’s middle name. Clyde was a great man with a great name. It was important to me for Leo to help us remember Clyde through his name. Luckily, Joe agreed and that was that.
Growing Pains
I had an idea of how I thought the next 9-months should go. I expected my body to expand and my hormones to surge. What I didn’t expect was for anything to go wrong. I remember waking up with severe anxiety the night we had to put our dog Murray down. I woke Joe up and told him I was afraid Leo wasn’t growing. Joe assured me everything was fine. I was probably just anxious from the trauma of losing Murray.
Murray had been hit by a car after I let him outside to use the bathroom that morning. At 4-months pregnant, I rushed to the scene with Leo in my belly and took Murray to the emergency vet. I told myself numerous times it wasn’t my fault. Still, I found myself doubting how I would keep a child alive when I felt I couldn’t keep a dog alive.
Shortly after losing Murray, my suspicions were confirmed by an ultrasound. Leo was measuring small and was in the less than 3rd percentile for growth. The medical personal said something was preventing him from thriving in my belly. They called it Interauterine Growth Restriction (IUGR), which refers to the poor growth of a baby while in the mother’s womb during pregnancy.
My job as a speech therapist requires me to know about all the things that can go wrong during a child’s development. This is one of the reasons I wasn’t sure if I wanted to have kids. The 3rd percentile in my field would mean the child needed help. Growth percentiles work differently than test percentiles but they both help determine if a child needs extra support.
Leo would need extra weekly monitoring for the remainder of my pregnancy. He also would likely have to come early. I struggled with the fact that there was nothing I could do to make him grow other than pray he would. I felt like I was already failing him.
I would like to say that I was good at calming the reactive part of my brain down after this all came about. Unfortunately, it was a skill I had to really work to develop. I often thought of every worst case scenario and came up with stories about how this was all my fault. There were many moments when I felt an overwhelming sense of guilt and anxiety. I had to make a conscious effort to find faith and remind myself that I did nothing wrong. Some days were better than others. The one thing that remained a constant was my distaste for being helplessly pregnant.
Ready or Not
Leo’s induction was scheduled for 37-weeks. When that day finally arrived, I didn’t realize the level of fear I would experience at the hospital. Joe and I arrived with our things and joked that we were ready for our hospital sleepover. One of the nurses started hooking me up to a heart monitor and told me she knew about Leo’s “condition.” I wasn’t entirely sure what she meant by this other than our situation was different from the norm.
This nurse’s shift was almost over. She said she would come back Thursday morning to check on us. She even thought she might be there to help with Leo’s delivery. Wait. It was a Monday. “You mean to tell me I could still be in labor Thursday morning?” I asked her. “I was in labor for three whole days,” she told me. So, yes. It was a possibility.
Another nurse entered shortly after and asked me to change positions. They were monitoring Leo’s heart rate after starting the induction process. She seemed to have a face of concern each time she came back and asked me to move into another position. I tried to distract myself by calling my Mom since Joe ran back home to grab his sleeping bag shortly after realizing the reality of our potentially long sleepover.
I asked my Mom how my older Sister Allision was doing. Allision had just delivered her baby Camden that morning. I had another feeling that something wasn’t quite right and asked her if there was something she wasn’t telling me about my sister. “Why do you say that?” she nervously asked. “Okay, now I know there is something you’re not telling me,” I said to my mom.
It took some convincing before she finally told me what had happened. Reluctantly my Mom told me that Allision delivered Camden with no issues, however, they had trouble getting the placenta out after he was born. Allision had to be rushed into emergency surgery after losing a substantial amount of blood. She ended up having a hysterectomy because her placenta was embedded in her uterus. My mom said Allision turned as white as a ghost and gave everyone quite a scare. “BUT, she was fine.” my mom assured me.
The nurse came back in and asked me to change into yet another position. I hung up with my mom and noticed something had shifted. In simple terms, I was freaking out. It didn’t help that the nurse had the same expression on her face as she looked at the heart monitor. Finally, I asked her what was going on and she said it didn’t look like Leo’s heart was handling the small contractions I was having very well. Now, I was really freaking out. And where in the world was Joe?
I called my mom back and told her what was going on. I was trying to make sense of it all when my midwife, Meg, walked through the door. “Oh, shit,” I said rather than greet her. Meg wasn’t supposed to be back until the morning. “Mom I’ll have to call you back.”
Meg broke the news that we would have to deliver Leo via c-section since his heart may not handle the contractions during labor. “Okay. When?” I asked. “Well, we are getting everything set up now,” she said. Luckily, Joe walked through the door after Meg had debriefed me. “I’m going to have a c-section,” I told him. “When?” he asked. “Now,” we said. Joe put down his sleeping bag and suited up. Next thing I knew I was being wheeled into the operating room.
It Will All Be Okay
There was a younger girl who stood in front of me to hold my shoulders when I got the anesthesia. She leaned forward to support my shoulders and I leaned in for a big hug. I surprised both of us but thankfully she was a good sport about it and gently gave me a little tap on the back. I realized then that I was more terrified at that moment than I had been at any other point in my life. I wasn’t scared about the procedure but about what would happen after it.
There was a high chance that Leo would have to be transferred to the NICU in Anchorage. I also had been told several times that stillbirth was a risk factor in growth-restricted babies. Everything had happened so fast. I wasn’t ready. But Leo was coming NOW whether I was ready or not.
In a matter of minutes, Leo was no longer resting in my belly. Joe and I laugh now about how he just suddenly appeared from out behind a curtain. The doctor briefly showed Leo to me before taking him over to an examining table. I asked Meg a million questions even though she was doing her best to remain focused on assisting the Doctor with stitching me back up. “Is he okay?” “Why isn’t he crying yet?” “Why is he that color?” “Does he have to go to the NICU?” “Is he okay?”…
At that point, Joe had his head down. I didn’t know then that he had overheated from the layers of scrubs he put on. He also felt lightheaded from seeing blood splatter on the other side of the curtain. Meg told Joe he could walk over and see Leo. “Okay,” he said with his head down.
Somehow he kept it together and walked over to Leo. “Kristin he’s great!” he assured me. I didn’t believe him. I still had an overwhelming feeling that something was wrong. I started to feel fear take over and realized I too was light-headed. What seemed like an eternity later, they brought Leo over to me and placed his skin on my face. I felt an instant sense of calm. Leo was okay.
Small But Mighty
Leo James Bentel was born on July 5th, 2021 weighing a whopping 4lbs, 11oz. The view from the hospital window the day after Leo was born displayed the Talkeetna mountains with a newly blanketed snowfall. Joe and I believe it was Leo who brought the storm with him when he entered the world the previous evening. He was here to make a statement. His size was no measure of his strength.
We knew there was still a chance that Leo would have to be transferred to the NICU in Anchorage due to his low birth weight. But Leo had no plan of going there. Palmer was his home and he had no intention of leaving his Mom. We had already been through so much together. We all just had to work a little harder before we could leave the hospital together.
Go Time
We quickly realized our new roles as parents had begun. Leo had low blood sugar and was hooked up to an IV. Joe and I fed him through a syringe and prayed for my milk to come in sooner rather than later. I was immobile after my c-section so it was up to Joe to care for both Leo and me. I walked Joe through changing his first diaper. By the time we left the hospital not only was Joe the master of diaper changing but he also was the master of syringe feeding, swaddling, and baby rocking. He knew the inner workings of how to operate a breastfeeding pump, and hook up a car seat. Joe had developed a feeding schedule system and made sure Leo’s paperwork was squared away. Joe was up every couple of hours with me to help feed Leo. He only got to use his sleeping bag to catch quick cat naps before getting back to it.
Four days later, the storm cleared and we got to take Leo home to his dog and chickens. We were fortunate to have so many incredible nurses during our hospital stay. Joe and I learned as much as we could from them and felt comfortable taking matters into our own hands when it was time to go home.
Well Worth It
I am thankful for the amazing support system I had throughout those 37-weeks. I cried in Meg’s examining room multiple times, confided in my boss about my struggles, and relied heavily on my sister’s support when I felt like I had made a mistake. I felt a new connection and closeness to several other women who could relate to my struggles. So many women shared their pregnancy stories with me. It was oddly comforting to know that this period was meant to be hard, but on the other side of it, it would all be well worth it.
Changing into the new role of a mother is less scary now that Leo is here. Still, I find myself questioning daily if Leo is okay. I am not sure if that thought will ever go away. I will probably sneak into his bedroom at night when he is a teenager to see if he is still breathing. But I have accepted that this is just a part of motherhood and I can say now that it is all well worth it.
I believe doing the very things that I fear and find challenging can be my catalyst for growth. This new process has forcefully pushed my mind into experiencing new limits. I am still not exactly clear on how this experience has and will continue to change me. I know there are many lessons to be had and challenges to overcome. But I also know these experiences provide me with the opportunity to become better than I have been.
The Change I Didn't Know I Needed
There are many causes of pain in life, but the pain of ‘not doing’ may exceed all others. Stryker points out that “dying without having lived the fullest life possible is the worst pain.” For me, pregnancy and now motherhood come with their own set of challenges. I don’t think bringing life into the world is supposed to be easy. But deciding not to experience motherhood would have been far more painful than any of the challenges that may come along with it.
Pregnancy and parenthood come with a whole spectrum of emotions- joy, worry, awe, fear, serenity, guilt, love, you name it. Perhaps putting ourselves in situations where we can experience all of these things is what life is all about. So I guess changing into the role of a mother has only made me feel more alive.
I am grateful for the opportunity to experience all that parenthood has to offer. I am also grateful that Leo is here now- and I have no doubt in my mind that he was always meant to be a part of my journey
Kristin – Thank you for this blog and for sharing so many experiences with us.
Although I’ve enjoyed your previous postings, I found myself caught up in your pregnancy story, possibly because I shared some of the same feelings long ago with my own pregnancies and then with my daughters and their pregnancies.
I’m glad you’re back to blogging. I can’t wait for more!
Orlanda you make my heart happy 🙂 Thank you for reading!
Oh wow Kirstin! Thank you for sharing your story, vulnerability and baby Leo with the world. So glad that you are both happy and healthy <3
Thanks so much Katie for reading it 🙂
I enjoyed reading this Kristin. Congrats to you and your husband on the baby boy!
Aw thanks Jerry! So good to hear from you and thanks for reading 🙂