The voice of my late mother-in-law, Barbs, now lives within me as a gentle reminder of how fragile, precious, and temporary life is. During our final goodbye, she said, “Don’t be sad for me. Be happy.” I carry her parting words in me as a reminder to embrace life fully, free from the burden of regret when my own time comes.
Barbs’ departure prompted me to question whether I am growing into the version of myself I aspire to be and if I am doing my part in the world. I discovered a tendency to withhold my contributions to the world because of my fears of rejection, criticism, failure, and judgment. I often seek refuge in fleeting distractions to numb these anxieties. But when the movie ends, or the drink is gone, my fears remain and grow even LOUDER. Yet, amidst the symphony of my inner doubts, Barbs’ gentle whisper pierces through, compelling me to confront my fears and step boldly into action.
So off I went.
Finding Purpose in Motion
I embarked on a journey of researching camera equipment and video editing. I spent hours diving into the details during my son Leo’s naps. I invested in a microphone, lighting, Bluetooth headphones, and all the necessary connections for syncing- all with the desire to share my love of movement with others. I learned the intricacies of sound synchronization and played with different camera and lighting angles in a poorly lit, confined room. I educated myself on royalty-free music and curated permissible playlists and classes. I learned the importance of remembering to turn on my microphone and connect it to my recording device. I played with the positioning of my body while learning not to breathe too loud into the mic. I stumbled over words and forgot the next exercise, which led to another retake. Each setback only propelled me to try again. Eventually, my first online video class was born.
Finding Triumph Over Self-Doubt
The setup and video production was a piece of cake compared to the effort required to overcome my self-doubt. My mind wanted to quit a million times because it was too hard, too much work, too pointless, too uncomfortable, and too time-consuming. I noticed all my insecurities, doubts, agitations, hurts, past traumas, and fears come up while playing with the lighting and camera angle for the 100th time. I heard my mind’s protests as I restarted my class introduction for the 20th time. “This is silly. No one is going to watch this anyway. What’s the point? Who do you think you are?” Perhaps worst of all, I heard my mind scream unpleasantries as I watched myself on video about my body, voice, ability, and worth.
Rather than give in to this part of my mind, I acknowledged its voice but consciously decided to override it with a deeper voice within me that was proud of my efforts. “Keep going,” it offered.
And I listened.
Finding Your Voice (Or Voices)
With the help of this voice and the voice of Barbs, I won the battle and overcame all my ‘stuff.’ The strength and brevity it took to overcome my insecurities and limiting beliefs brought forth a profound sense of love for myself. I discovered the joy that comes from a place of focus when throwing oneself fully into an experience without expecting anything in return. This place of presence allowed me to persevere past my self-doubt. I knew not engaging in the pain of my creation would be more painful than the determination, self-confidence, focus, and discipline required to turn on the camera and hit record.
So I kept going.
Then, I had to consciously redecide which voices to listen to when I took the next step of advertising these classes to the public. Would I listen to the voices of ridicule, doubt, fear, and judgment? Or the voices of determination, courage, inspiration, and love?
Finding Faith, Courage & Love
Today, I officially stand in the arena, fully exposed to any outcome. But I am here with a power within me that is much greater than my fears of failure or being wrongly judged. I am guided by the light of Barbs’ enduring spirit and fueled by my unwavering resolve to be fully content with how I lived my life when my time here ends.
It is no longer about the results of my actions but more about who I am becoming during the process. The labor of my efforts helps me understand what it means to be alive- to feel the rainbow of human emotions- and continue to move forward despite my limiting beliefs. To continue to move toward who I wish to become despite the outcome. The results of my actions are not up to me to decide. My job is to remain unattached to the fruits of my efforts while committing to moving toward who I wish to be with courage, faith, and love. This path, I know, will lead to a life without regrets.
