This Is Your Life

Who made the world?
Who made the swan, and the black bear?
Who made the grasshopper?
This grasshopper, I mean—
the one who has flung herself out of the grass,
the one who is eating sugar out of my hand,
who is moving her jaws back and forth instead of up and down—
who is gazing around with her enormous and complicated eyes.
Now she lifts her pale forearms and thoroughly washes her face.
Now she snaps her wings open, and floats away.
I don’t know exactly what a prayer is.
I do know how to pay attention, how to fall down
into the grass, how to kneel down in the grass,
how to be idle and blessed, how to stroll through the fields,
which is what I have been doing all day.
Tell me, what else should I have done?
Doesn’t everything die at last, and too soon?
Tell me, what is it you plan to do
with your one wild and precious life?

– Mary Oliver

What is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?

I have discovered that when something emotional happens to me, it stays with me until I have converted it into a lesson. One of the most prominent lessons I learned over the past year is that there are no guarantees for another tomorrow.

Our dog, Gladie, went to doggie heaven at the end of 2021. She was here one minute and gone the next. Not only did this happen to Gladie, but our dog Murray exited the world suddenly just 10 months prior.

I didn’t tell many people about what happened to Gladie because I felt like I had just gone through the grieving process with Murray. I also felt a sense of shame for having lost another dog- who was a member of our family.

Shame is an emotion people experience when they feel they have done something wrong. I know that Joe and I did nothing wrong and only did our best to give Gladie the best life we could. We just had some bad luck.

The circumstance of losing Gladie drove me to think, “What’s the point?” I adopted an “f-it” attitude and spent the last bit of 2021 indulging in emotions such as grief, shame, and a bit of self-pity.

These emotions lead me to take actions- such as drinking and neglecting my morning routine- which only perpetuated these feelings and made me feel worse. I was well aware of the consequences of my actions. I wanted to feel bad for a bit and that I did.

Luckily, I discovered long ago that this is not how I want to live my life. I came to this realization during a yoga class I took in college. I don’t remember anything about this class other than the instructor declaring, “THIS IS YOUR LIFE!” This statement seemed simple. Yet, it had a profound effect on me. It woke me up to the fact that this is my life and I felt I was taking it for granted.

This simple statement- THIS IS YOUR LIFE- helps me pull out of depressed states. How crazy is it that we are here? Think of all the events that had to align just perfectly for our birth to have happened. Scientists estimate the odds of you specifically being born is one in 400 trillion. The insurmountable odds of you being here were surmounted.

And it’s even more mind-blowing to think of how our lives began. We all started from a few cells and evolved into the most intricate single living entity in the universe- in just nine months!

We began our journey as a fetus smaller than a grain of rice. In one month our hearts formed. Two months later, our bones and faces took shape. Three months in, we had arms, feet, and organs. In month four our nervous systems formed. At month five we had muscles and began growing hair. During month six we could hiccup. Seven months in we could hear sounds and respond to light. At eight months we could see. By nine months we could blink and our lungs were working.

When we entered the world, there was no telling what we would do, who we would meet, or what would happen to us. Most of our circumstances are out of our control. Yet, we also are born with the gift of free will to decide what we wish to do with those circumstances.

THIS IS MY LIFE. This is the statement that drove me to travel, apply and graduate from grad school, move out of Nevada, venture up to Alaska, and land a job that would help Joe and I establish the life we pictured for ourselves. This statement helped me decide I wanted to become a mother and led to the birth of Leo.

Remembering THIS IS MY LIFE also helps me get back on track when I start heading down a road I don’t want to continue down. This means I have to take charge of my life and decide to override my brain when it tells me it would rather sleep in or go to the bar.

THIS IS MY LIFE and I can decide who I want to be despite my circumstances. The loss of someone or something I love is a circumstance I know I will face again. I can continue to indulge in thoughts, emotions, and actions that lead me down a reckless path. Or I can choose to believe that each circumstance is here to teach me a meaningful lesson.

I believe the lesson Gladie wants me to better understand is how incredibly lucky I am to be here another moment. Another day. Another year. So I can choose to stay depressed, or I can put in the work that is required of me to live my life as I intend to live it.

So now that you’ve made it to 2022, take a moment to remind yourself that THIS IS YOUR LIFE. What is it that you plan to do with it?